Many parents wonder about how to interact with their child's coach effectively. The most common questions are how and when to communicate with a coach and what topics I should discuss with my child. "I often don't know how to exercise my role as a sports parent and stay out of the coaches' business at the same time," lamented one parent.
The parent/coach relationship is vital for the sake of your child's skill development and social development. However, it can be a tricky relationship for you due to two factors: 1) your emotional investment in your child's progress; and 2) the complexity of issues a coach faces in making many decisions that affect your child and the team.
For these reasons, it's best if you understand what gymnastics coach Anne Josephson identifies as the difference between "dog loyalty" and "cat loyalty."
A dog is loyal to a person, whereas a cat is loyal to the house. A coach must be "cat loyal" to make good decisions on behalf of all the athletes and the entire program and facilities. A coach cannot narrow his focus to be loyal only to you and your child's interests.
Coaches have a passion for their sport and for passing along what they know. But they also have a passion for winning. Good coaches see the obvious connection between teaching skills and winning competitions.
GREAT coaches are also committed to the long-term character development of their athletes. That's a lot of ground to cover.
A parent is most effective when emphasizing complementary lessons/values rather than duplicating what the coach is teaching. You can best compliment a coach's impact when you understand which element (skills, winning, or character) is valued most by that coach. Use the chart below as a guide.
If a Coach Emphasizes: A Parent Can Emphasize:
Skill Development Character Lessons Winning Character + Skill Development
Character Lessons Skill Development
Ultimately, winning is an outcome of well-executed skills plus a depth of character. Research shows that parents who only emphasize winning create unnecessary performance pressure for their children. In that scenario, character-building often gets neglected.
Here are some practical strategies for maintaining a smooth working relationship with your child's coach.
- Discover in advance how and when the coach wants to communicate with parents.
- Ask good open-ended questions through which the coach can share his/her philosophy, feelings, and facts. Do not assume anything, and do not accuse.
- Teach your child to discuss playing time issues with the coach instead of you.
- Let the coach do his/her job during the game without interference.
- Remember that after a competition, the players come first, and you are second in line for any attention or conversation.
- If you have concerns or are emotionally upset, give yourself 24 hours of reflection time before communicating with the coach.
- Avoid criticizing your child's coach or undermining his/her authority in front of your child. Speak to the coach directly if you have concerns or questions.
- Avoid contradicting your child's coach with your personal coaching strategies.
In the final analysis the quality of your child's experience should be judged by what sport lessons AND life lessons are learned under a coach's influence.
Who is your child becoming because of time spent with this coach? Where your child is today, in terms of skills and character, isn't nearly as important as which direction they're headed.
