It's an obvious fact that nothing stirs the emotions quite like your child's misbehavior. It can be the catalyst for losing control emotionally without realizing what happened.
I can still picture the baseball field where my son got ejected from a game at age 11. A disrespectful negative comment toward an umpire after his second throwing error earned him a one-way ticket to the bench for the day.
I can even feel the heat of my emotions rising to an unproductive boil as he walked to the dugout in the second inning of a seven-inning game. He was mad at the umpire, but I was mad at him. All I could think about were the consequences I wanted to deliver once we got home: bread and water for a week and six months of hard labor in the backyard!
The real lesson of the day, however, turned out to be rewarding for both of us. In the remaining five innings of the game, my thinking shifted from my brain's impulsive "basement" to the creative "balcony" of my cerebral cortex.
It is that journey that I wish to describe here because it is a logical and repeatable excursion that all parents can make to avoid emotional hijacking.
In a nutshell, here's the pathway FROM emotional rage TO emotional control and better solutions to our parenting situations.
FROM: Judgment: What a stupid thing to do!
TO: Curiosity: I wonder why he would do that?
FROM: Embarrassment: What will the other parents think of him... and me?
TO: Assessment: I imagine he was embarrassed by his two throwing errors.
FROM: Anger: I'm going to teach him not to screw-up like this again.
TO: Insight (AHA!): This is an opportunity for him to learn self-control (and me too!)
FROM: Revenge: I can think of several ways to make him pay for this behavior.
TO: Understanding: There is a pattern of thinking and reacting that needs an upgrade.
FROM: Question #1: What can I do to make myself feel better about this?
TO: Question #1: How can I help him with this aspect of his character?
FROM: A negative outcome = resentment.
TO: A positive outcome = growth & development
In this case, the solution was not muscle-building labor in the backyard, but instead mind-building labor in the library. We decided that our son would read a book from my library about self-control, and how to choose positive responses to negative situations.
The impact was meaningful and long-lasting. He even shared parts of the book with his coach and a couple of teammates.The ultimate lesson was to recognize that what happens to us each day is not nearly as important as how we respond to what happens.
Ask yourself this question: "How often are my responses to situations just as emotional and out of control as my child's?"
Take time to think about the most positive desired outcome: as in, where you want to be emotionally (TO), instead of where you are (FROM). Allow for a cool-down time before responding until this process becomes a habit.
We don't always have the luxury of five innings to come to our senses!
