When our son was in grade school, he often struggled with homework. From math problems to memorization of spelling words, homework was on the back burner and required a lot of coaxing on our part to get it done.

He seemed very unwilling.

 

It would have been easy to label him as one of those kids with a bad attitude toward homework. He always had time for baseball and soccer, but no time for reading and assignments. My wife and I knew he was "smart enough" to do the homework, just not willing.

 

Or was he? Then it occurred to us that perhaps what he lacked was SKILL, not WILL. If he didn't know how to study, how to memorize spelling words, how to organize his assignments, his apparent unwillingness might stem from being unable, not unwilling.

 

Since we had seen high levels of self-discipline in every sport he played, we knew he didn't lack a sturdy work ethic. But he had not learned how to apply that work ethic to school work. He actually needed some new skills and strategies for getting his assignments done.

 

Any sub-par performance issue at school or in sports can be addressed by first asking two questions: "Are they able?" "Are they willing?" and the answer isn't always obvious.

Most children appear unwilling when they're insecure or lacking confidence in themselves. It's not due to a bad attitude—it's fear!

 

J. Stuart Ablon has written a book about collaborative problem solving titled "change-able." His research verifies what all parents have seen but sometimes misdiagnose. We observe behavior issues in our children like:

• A lack of flexibility and stubbornness

• A low threshold for frustration

• Poor choices in solving problems

In each of these cases, children can learn new skills and become more able. The necessary ingredient for this learning is patient parenting that focuses on skill development rather than nagging or labeling a child as difficult and unwilling.

 

Ablon recommends a three-step collaborative process between parent and child that teaches life skills. Whether it's homework habits, behavior issues, or relationship challenges, spend time having this conversation:

1. Ask your child to share his concerns, feelings, and assumptions

2. Share your own concerns, feelings, and assumptions (which are usually different)

3. Brainstorm together possible solutions that address and satisfy both of your concerns

This process takes both practice and patience—but it works. Your child will come to trust you and believe in the process of working through things. It's far more fun for your child to experience competence at something that has always intimidated her. Our children don't WANT to be incompetent at anything, but they need help learning the required skills.

 

Our son learned how to be a good student in school. It didn't come as naturally for him as it did to be an athlete, which also involved a great deal of hard work and skill. 

 

Perhaps we should ask ourselves the same question about our parenting behaviors. Are we able? Are we willing?

 

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"How to Improve Sports-Family Conversations"

 

Thursday, March 19th,

9:00 pm EST

45-minute live webinar plus Q&A with David!

What-Do-I-Do- When…?

"My child is defensive when we talk about the game."

Your child takes a defensive position for only one reason — he assumes you are on offense, and defense is the only position left open.

Even if you don't mean any offense, your evaluation of his performance hurts his feelings.

 

The natural response for him is to suggest that you're mistaken. He wants to be seen as "okay" in your eyes.

Action Items:

1. Keep your analysis tucked away for awhile. Young athletes are often more emotional than logical after a competition. Your evaluation comes from a more logical point of view. These two perspectives don't mix well.

2. Wait until you are invited into a conversation by your child. If you are patient, and have a history of giving positive feedback, you'll eventually be asked for your input about the performance.

3. When giving positive feedback about a performance, do not add, "But if you had only…" Instead, make a habit of asking more questions about what he learned, rather than giving lectures about mistakes.

Resource: Watch this GCFL Video "How Do You React to Your Child's Errors" 

CLICK HERE

 

Please click here to watch 3 Simple Truths From an Olympic Journey and complete your Discussion Guide so you can apply a valuable lesson from triathlete Gwen Jorgensen.

 

 Watch the video here

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